Start the conversation

The 3rd of July is Start the Conversation day – a day to raise awareness and discuss mental health, and the importance of making connections and reaching out to others.

Although it may sound simple, in our busy lives it is can be difficult to find time to have a conversation, or check in with someone as we rush from place to place, so this day is about making a little extra time to speak to someone, or to speak back honestly when asked.

As a counsellor, I start a lot of conversations, but not just in my professional life, but also in my personal life. I am the sort of person who will always chose to go to the checkout at the supermarket rather than the self-service, as I value that bit of a chat with the person behind the till.

When asked ‘How are you today?’ I try to answer honestly but within personal boundaries, I don’t spill my deepest worries and stresses, but I don’t give a token ‘Fine thanks, how are you?’, I like to engage, find common ground. I know this isn’t for everyone but in my experience, lots of little conversations throughout the week can do a lot for me, allowing me to check in with myself and really think about how I am doing, and tend to my own needs, as well as listening to others.

One of the most important skills we can practice is active listening. Again, sounds simple, it is just listening, but how often do we listen? As a teenager, I struggled with people not listening to me or to each other, I used to get frustrated that everyone was just so focussed on saying their words, regardless of what anyone else was saying or doing. This all changed when I watched the film ‘Fight Club’ – a cult movie for an impressionable teenager like me at the time, and one of the lines that will always stay with me is this:

‘When people think you’re dying, they really listen to you instead of waiting for their turn to speak’.

This line is in response to one character asking another why they chose to attend group therapy sessions for people who have terminal illnesses, when they are both aware that neither of them are dying. When I first heard that, ‘waiting for their turn to speak’ it was a lightbulb moment. Everyone is just waiting for their turn to speak, I thought, and I think this is especially true as teenagers and adolescents because we are naturally more self-centred and self-interested as we discover who we are as individuals.

As a conclusion to my thoughts on ‘Start the Conversation’ day, I hope I can encourage people to occasionally incorporate the skills of active listening into our lives, that giving people around us a chance to really connect, and their mental health a small boost. You can do this by:

·       Focusing your attention on what the person is saying, clearing your mind of your own thoughts

·       Summarise what they said to you, to check that you heard it correctly and to show them that you were listening

·       Be curious about things that they say, if something feels open or if you feel like they want to add more but are holding back, be curious about it, offer a space to expand if they want to

·       Ask for clarification – if they say something you are not quite sure you understood, or maybe you tuned out a bit or got distracted, ask them to clarify or repeat – it is easy to just move on, but maybe that was a really important point, and them unravelling it a little bit could be really beneficial to them.

The most important point to take away is to never be afraid to start the conversation – don’t feel pressure that you will say the wrong thing or make matters worse, because you really can’t go wrong if you can just listen, instead of waiting for your turn to speak.